I want to be the wife that makes muffins & deserts
The one that gives her husband masages
The one that makes her husband lunch and leaves love notes in his lunch box
The one that always has the laundry
The one that has a clean house
The one that gets her husband another beer
The one that tickles her husband back
The one that takes care of the kids
The one that never bitches or nags
The one that’s not jealous
The one that’s confident
The one that can listen to her husband and be his best friend
Another day another breathe
Supposed to be the reason your “blessed”
But it just sounds like a rambling mess
I guess its the perfect time to confess
Noises and noises that’s all I hear anxiety to the fullest and everything I fear.
Worries weigh on my shoulders constantly, and sometimes I just want to bleed.
Pain in my head is so much worse when it can’t be said.
Pain on my wrist or my hands in fists now thats pain that I can deal with.
I feel lost or confused or maybe even broken.. I probably just think too much, I definitely think too much. My thoughts and worries and doubts swarm my mind constantly. Each day is a battle. The hardest part is not knowing if my worries are even justifiable. Why do I feel this way? Some days are just amazing they feel like I’m having a break through, on those days it feels like everything just slows down and i feel so damn grateful for everything I have, I have an overwhelming feeling of just being so thankful and amazed. Outside just seems more beautiful, my coffee taste delightful, everything iris does makes me smile and just feel warm inside and complete, chads eyes just become mesmerizing, I just want to tell chad how much I love him but I know that my words will never be enough….. And then I have days that I just cant wait to go back to bed days that everything feels like too much, everything annoys me, I doubt myself and my capabilities, I feel ugly and unloved by chad, I wonder if he even wants to be with me.. Those, those are the worst days.. Those are the hardest days. Before I had Iris I would just listen to music and sleep it off or work out or write but now I have no choice but to get up and do my best to get through the day I guess thats just part of being a parent or actually, an adult. Am I depressed? Or is this just life? Is this normal? Whats normal? I always think writing will make me feel better and I must admit it does a little bit but in the end the honest truth is it just raises more questions in my mind then clarity. Its an endless black hole that juts keeps getting deeper. The older I get the less I know or the less I am certain of.
Tonight chad drank, he drank a lot… and we didn’t fight or argue we actually had a good night but in the middle of talking he just passed out completely fell asleep at the desk. I went to wake him up and he was just completely out of it and limp eyes 100% glossed over. Not coherent at all.. and it just broke my heart I’m not sure why… He fell back on the chair and just laid there I grabbed him a blanket and a pillow and tucked him in put his phone on the charger and put a bottle of water next to him…It reminded me of all the nights that I did the same thing for my dad… The only time that I went through a phase of drinking like that was when I couldn’t stand my life so much that I didn’t want to be “awake” for it. It was better to just drink to become numb… So I just look at chad and see him sitting there in a big comfy chair in front of a computer in a comfy house with a wife that loves him more than anything and a beautiful smiling happy daughter and just wonder why could he possibly want to be numb? He literally has everything he has said he ever wanted… the only thing that could be the problem is if it’s not truly what he wanted.. He is even one step away from getting his dream job the one job he went to college to get.. is this not the life he actually wants?… Did he make a mistake by marrying me? Am I not good enough for him?
Today I have decided that I wanted to deactivate my facebook account and not use my instagram account. I’m writing this so that when I go to reactivate it again I remember why I did it in the first place. I have decided to live a simpler life. Instead of scrolling on facebook you could be reading a book, playing with your daughter, drawling, working on a project, working out and so much more. Nothing good comes from facebook, none of your friends even post anything that your interested in, you need more sleep, you need to spend more time actually living life instead of looking at others life’s through a page on the internet. Sit on the porch, have a cup of coffee and realize that there is so much beauty in front of you.
Today I will…
Stop reflecting on the past.
Start enjoying nature at the least once a day.
Start enjoying 10mins of complete quietness once a day.
Start doing atleast 10 mins of yoga a day.
Start making an effort to work out daily.
Take a breath and smile instead of getting upset.
I hear a cry my heart beats really fast and I get anxious all at once, I look down at this little human that me and my husband have created she stares back at me with those helpless vulnerable eyes and I pick her up and i comfort her as i always do no matter the day the time or what im in the middle of. I strongly believe that when i decided to get off birth control, when i decided that i wanted to bring another person into this life, i committed my life to taking care of that little person with every breath i breathe just like when i committed myself to being married to one person for the rest of my life when i chose to say i do. I cant wrap my head around how somebody could feel any different about parenting. I dont want to let her cry it out so she learns to “self soothe”. This little person is crying because thats the only way she knows how to communicate at this age! she’s not spoiled, she’s not learning bad habits, she is calling for help and you can bet your ass im going to be there to answer and make sure she is taken care of. if someone sees there child as an inconvenience and wants them to fit into their schedule instead of taking care of their babies needs then they shouldn’t have kids point blank. I never want my child to feel like an inconvenience. I never want my child to cry until she realizes no one is coming and stops because of defeat. I will never be that parent.. I wish my husband could understand that.. i wish he felt the same… before we got married when we talked about kids he said he was, but im living in a cold reality and realizing day by day that, that isn’t so… I swear im going to lose it if I have to hear “she needs to go to time out”, “just put her in her crib”, “all she does is cry”,”she’s always like that”,”do you ever put her down?” ever again… Parenting is tough, at points i feel like im going to break, i feel tired, and restless, and anxious, and helpless, and sometimes i have to take a step back and take a breather, but i promise you that i wouldn’t change anything im doing not even for a second. My daughter will always know that her mom loves her and she will always know that i will take care of her and be there for her now and always.
Don’t you ever wonder why the honeymoon phase comes to an end?
Why would you ever want it to?
Why do we let it?
I don’t know about you but I want to live in an eternal honey moon phase and maybe that’s what’s wrong with me, maybe that’s why I always feel like something is wrong or dare I say missing from my relationship?
I loved when he would walk up behind me and kiss my neck when I was cooking.
I loved when i would receive cute texts reminding me that I was beautiful and that I was his dream come true and believe me I need that reminder for some damn reason.
I loved staying up until 3 am talking about whatever it was that night.
I loved talking about starting a family together and all the things we were going to do right and the kind of parents we were going to be.
I loved the confidence I had in the fact of knowing that he adored me.
I loved feeling sexy because he made me feel that way by the way he looked at me or the way he couldn’t/ didn’t want to keep his hands off me.
I loved that he missed me.
Too be continued…
There are 24 hours in a day 8 of which you are sleeping, 8 of which you are working that is if you don’t have over time, 2 hours to prepare for the work day and 2 hours of unwinding from the work day. That leaves you approximately 4 hours that actually belong to you… To me that seems ridiculous and unreasonable.. but now what I’m trying to figure out is what is really worth it? Is it worth it to spend more than half of your day doing something you hate just because a job pays good? or is it better to take a pay cut and do something that at least has the possibility of being enjoyable for you even the slightest bit. I’m at the point in life where I don’t want to waste time starring at the clock just to watch the minutes pass by before i can go home like I’m being held hostage of my own time and thoughts just so i can pay the bills. I know unfortunately that, that is just how life and society is now and days but I think even if that’s how it is if we have to be somewhere for more than half our day then it needs to be somewhere that we can at least be at peace be able to have enjoyable people to be around somewhere that we at least like the place even the slightest bit. I wish more than anything that i could make a career out of something I love like taking care of animals or art that’s all I’ve ever really wanted but the the reality of that is so slim… maybe some day.
Everytime, I get that unwanted single line, that very real moment of disappointment, the non stop questions that run through my mind… why not? What’s wrong with me? Is it even possible? Can I? Can he? What’s the problem? I never thought I’d be in this position. I never even wanted kids but I guess the truth is I was never with a person I’d want kids with till now; never had anyone I trusted that much anyone I admired that much to create another human being with, and now it’s my biggest dream… and now it seems so impossible. It seems like such a far fetched dream, a hopeless want, a misplaced need. Everytime I get my hopes up… I wait that 20 secs and when the moment of truth comes into play it’s like a slap in the face, a stone cold harsh no, it’s like life laughing at me. What kind of woman am I if I cant even reproduce? A disappointment on so many levels..What am I to do if I cant offer him that kind of future? How would that be fair to only man I love? If I cant, it would be selfish to drag him down with me… He deserves a family more than anything…. I want a family more than anything..